MYSTERY COSMO THEATER 3000
Episode 101: Rude Awakening

MSTed by: Fritz Fraundorf (Cait Sith), erggibbon@aol.com
James Gowdey (Neko), puck4@earthlink.net
Nick Weber (Hanpan), david.weber@dana.com

Original Story By: Jeff Zimmerman, gervase@azstarnet.com

Mystery Science Theater is copyright Best Brains, Inc. All
games and characters are copyright their respective developers.
Rude Awakening is copyright Jeff Zimmerman. We tried to get
his permission to do this but he never responded. Hey, he
tried...

(Cue theme song)

In a way too overhyped game,
That was far from free
There was a cat named Cait
Pretty different from you or me
He had his own movie company
Just another director wanna-be
He did a good job providing comic relief
But Domino wanted him to turn over a new leaf
He'll send him cheesy fanfics
The worst he can find La La La
He'll have to sit and read them all
While they monitor his mind La La La
Now Cait can't stop the fanfics, so hear a
Cry for this all to end La La La
Because he used those summon materia
To call his cute animal friends

CUTE ANIMAL ROLL CALL!

Hanpan!
(BECAUSE HANPAN SAID SO!)

Neko!
(Wanna buy somethin'?)

Spekkio!
(I'm the Master of War!)

Moooooooog!
(Kupoppo!)

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts La La La
Just repeat to yourself it's only an MST
I should really just relax...

FOR MYSTERY COSMO THEATER 3000!


[Malduke]
(Cait Sith is holding something in his hand and looking around,
waiting for a signal. Hanpan is sitting on his shoulder)
(Neko nods towards him)
CAIT SITH: Hey, kids! Are you in on the toy craze sweeping the
nation? Yes, that's right, if you don't have a YUFFIEGOTCHI,
you're just not cool!
HANPAN: Why? BECAUSE HANPAN SAID SO!
(Cait Sith holds up the Yuffiegotchi)
CAIT SITH: It's like no virtual pet you've ever seen before!
Watch as I neglect to give her Materia!
(Cait holds the Yuffiegotchi still for about about 20 seconds)
YUFFIE: Gawd! Like, hello! Somebody, like, give me some, like
Materia, or, like, money! Like, totally.
CAIT SITH: There you have it... the Yuffiegotchi! It whines,
it whines, and it, uh, whines.
HANPAN: All the people I respect and admire have one. Cait
Sith has one too.
CAIT SITH: Yeah! It's endorsed by cute, lovable, me, so
it's got to be good! And now it can be yours for only $5.99!
NEKO (whispering): Plus $39.99 shipping and handling.
CAIT SITH: Call now! Operators standing by!

(cut to Mog and Spekkio sitting at a desk with two phones)
MOG: Give us money! We're cute! Kupo!
SPEKKIO: And I'm the Master of War!

(cut back to Cait Sith)
CAIT SITH: All proceeds go to help five adorable critters get off
a satellite where they are being forced to read bad fanfics!
Don't delay, buy one today!


[Ka Dingel]
MAYOR DOMINO: They'll never get off the satellite! Not until I
find a fanfic that will at last allow me to overthrow the scum
of AVALANCHE.
TV'S HART: Good luck breaking their spirit...
MAYOR DOMINO: If I wanted an editorial, I'd ask for it. Do you
have the fanfic?
(Hart holds up a wad of paper)
HART: Right here. It's called "Rude Awakening", and it's been
throughly screened and contains no PaRappa references.
MAYOR DOMINO: I thought you'd gotten over that.
HART: I must remain ever vigilant against the evil of PaRappa.
MAYOR DOMINO: Just start the fanfic, Hart.


[Malduke]
(Cait Sith, Hanpan, and Neko are sitting around the Statue
Area, eating Bugenhagen-Dazs ice cream and Grizzly Twizzlies)
CAIT SITH: I hear the National Association of Moogles is taking
to the street again to protest the chocobo in Parasite Eve.
HANPAN: Looks I'm going to have to open up a can of whoop-ass.
NEKO: I like moogles...
(suddenly, an alarm starts to sound)
CAIT SITH: OHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!

(Door 6: It has a picture of Yuffie's face. Cait holds up a
mirror to it and the door turns itself to stone)

(Door 5: It's the FF7 plot. You walk right through one of
the large holes)

(Door 4: It's being guarded by a phantom from Kartia. The
phantom ignores you as you walk up to it and kill it)

(Door 3: A nifty FMV plays of Cait Sith walking through the
door)

(Door 2: It's made out of cheap, imitation, Mythril. You
hack right through it)

(Door 1: It's one of the puzzles from De Le Metalica. Hanpan
opens some nearby chests in a random pattern and it opens)


> Rude Awakening
> Jeff Zimmerman
> gervase@azstarnet.com

Cait Sith: We know where you live... mwah ha ha!

> That face. The fat, sweaty, unshaven, uncleaned, disgusting face. It made
him shudder more than anything in the entire world.

Cait Sith: Holy cow! It's Howard Stern!

> There was nothing more that he wanted more than be rid of the horrid
> face, glaring at him in the morning, all day, at night.

Cait Sith: That's about how I feel about this fanfic...
Hanpan: Give it a break, Cait Sith, it's barely even started.

> It l ooked like; no, _was_ a demon, trying to devour him, steal his
> soul.

Cait Sith: Bill Gates IS Bill Gates in... Rude Awakening!

> "Get up you useless sonofabitch! Why in hell you still in bed?

Hanpan: But it's a Saturday!

> I aughta smack you! Tear out your sickly guts for not comin' home last
> night. Where the hell were you? Smokin' crack, ya useless sonofabitch!"

Hanpan: Why did he bother asking if he answered the question himself?
Cait Sith: (Rude) Ev-v-everyone's d-doing it, man...
Neko: (Rude) Yeah, but I didn't inhale.

> The fat man in overalls

Cait Sith: It's a-me, Mario!
Hanpan: Mario is beating his son? I had no idea...
Neko: You can't trust anybody these days.

> s macked his terrified six-year-old son straight across the face. The
> sound made by those unwashed ham-hands

Neko: (Homer) Mmm...ham...

> could probably be heard in Sector 3.

Cait Sith: Those Plate acoustics are really something...
Neko: If a tree fell in Sector 6, would they hear it Sector 3?
Hanpan: There aren't any trees in Midgar, Neko.
Neko: Oh, yeah. Right.

> Tears streamed down the shivering boy's red face. The fat man had him
> cornered by the cot in their one-room shack in the slums of Sector 6.
> His unfrequently bathed body gave off the odor of week-old liquor stains

Neko: Mmm...liquor...
Hanpan: Simpleton.

> and a faint stench of whorish perfume, the result of the abuse of
> a stolen permission-card to the Honey-Bee Inn.

Cait Sith: (Permission card) Ow! Ow! Stop it! That hurts!

> Struggling to e vade another of the usual beatings, the youngster
> stammered,

Hanpan: E Vade? Is that like an evasion performed over e-mail?
Cait Sith: Or maybe it's an electronic version of Darth Vader.
Neko: (E Vader) I find your lack of Netscape disturbing...

> "Daddy....!"

Cait Sith: Oh, I get it. E Vader is this kid's father.
Neko: (E Vader) Rude... I am your father, Rude.

> And was smacked yet again, harder, where a stream of blood then trickled
> down his cheeck where the fat man's cheap tin junk-ring cut him.

Hanpan: If it's junk, why's he wearing it?
Cait Sith: I think I have one of those rings... and I think you sold it
to me, Neko.
Neko: I am not a crook.

> "Shut the Hell up you stinking bastard! Don't ever talk again; ever! If I
> hear one more piping word out of your fowl, piss-stained mouth, I'll kill
> your ass!

Cait Sith: ...but leave the rest of you alive.
Neko: He's going to kill the kid's pet donkey?
Cait Sith: Old Yeller! NO!!!! ::sobs::

> I swear to God I will! Now get out! Just shut up and get the hell
> out of my life."

Neko: He makes Cid look like Little Debbie!
Cait Sith: Get this fanfic the hell out of MY life.
Hanpan: Now, Cait, play nice...

> The boy ran out of the shack as fast as his weak, beaten body could take
> him.

Neko: It's like a quote from Winnie the Pooh.

> He closed his eyes as he ran and tried to wipe the blood and tears
> from his face, but

Neko: They were drawn in permanent marker. Bum bum BUM!

> nothing on the wretched planet could get the face out of his mind.
> Get out! Leave me alone! The face mocked him, cursed at him, threatened
> him like it had his entire life. He couldn't talk, like the power of
> the command from those bloated lips did more than strike fear in him.
> He was controlled, and yet free, and yet captive in front of the men
> tal image of that face.

Cait Sith: He was controlled, and yet free, and yet captive? Did that make
any sense to you, Hanpan?
Hanpan: None whatsoever.

> Dirty, bloody face in his hands, he ran, past the playground, through
> the junk filled path, and into the dimly-lit counters of the Wall Market.
>
> In his ecstacy of fear, the little boy hadn't quite noticed the
> middle-aged man before him, and he collided head first into the muscular
> man's stomach, knocking the wind out of him.

Cait Sith: (Poppin' Fresh) Awwwwww.....

> Groping about for something to hold him, the child tried to see the
> unfor tunate man

Hanpan: I'll say! I wouldn't want to be groped by a little boy!

> through the sweat and tears, but could only make out the blury outline
> of a warrior's outfit.

Neko: A ballet suit. How very unfor tunate.

> In a gesture of hopelessness, he sat on the dirt, waiting to be
> killed.

Cait Sith: I'm about ready to do the same myself. Someone put us out
of our misery.
Hanpan: What did I just tell you?

> "OH! Hoo, well what have we here?

Cait Sith: (Bugenhagen) Ho ho hoo!
Neko (tossing stuff out of his bag): We have... a box of chocolates, some
rusty nails, a three-foot-long pencil, and some brown cardboard.

> Sorry, young man, but that's certainly not the way you go about
> charging someone in the stomach!

Neko: (man) You're supposed to charge me at a different angle. Oh, check
the wind resistance also to get the maximum charge.

> Where're you headed in such a hurry?"

Cait Sith: (Rude) Where do you think I'm going? The bathroom!
Neko: I need to go just as bad as you! What I had this morning I don't
even wanna say to you!

> The warrior bent down to examine the child at his

Neko: Own risk.

> feet more closely, then suddenly jum ped in surprise, "Good God, he's
> bleeding like an angry volcano!

Hanpan: And he just realized that?
Cait Sith: Doctor, doctor! Pinatubo's hurt! It's bleeding from its left
cliff! We could lose it!
Neko: (hums ER theme)

> Damn, somebody help! Someone!" Glancing, he caught sight of the man
> at the item shop dusting the sign outside his tent. Seizing the
> opportunity, he dragged the boy to the tent and grabbed th e
> helpless employee by the collar. "Listen, I got a kid here that
> needs some serious curing, and I'm not ABOUT to go lookin' for some
> materia to do it. I'll need a potion, a rag,

Cait Sith: ...three pieces of string, a platinum kazoo, parsley, and
a magic sunstone.
Neko: I think I got that stuff in my bag.

> and some water, NOW!"

Cait Sith: (Warrior) Yeah, go look ABOUT for it.

> Now, this particular employee was quite excitable by nature,

Neko: Hup hup hup hup hup hup hup hup hup!

> and this little incident caught him completely off guard. Spluttering,
> he stumbled into the far reaches of his tent, knocking off a number
> of plastic bottles in search of the restorative item. F inally, he
> grabbed the bottle marked "Hi-POTION"

Cait Sith: Hi, Potion! My name's Cait Sith! How are you today?
Hanpan: That was bad, Cait...

> and handed it to the warrior,

> "I'm sorry sir, but that'll cost you about ...mmph!" His sentence was cut
> off by the calloused hand on his mouth as the warrior shut him up with one
> hand, and grabbed the potion with the other.

Hanpan:The imagery here is astounding.

> Without any hesitation, he bit off the cap

All: ::applause::
Cait Sith: Is this one of those "world's strongest man" competitions?
Neko: On the bottom were the words, "Drink Hi-Potion, play again."

> and immediately sp lashed the sparkling liquid in the still
> wordless boy's face. The cut instantly seemed to mend itself together,
> even as the large man had begun wiping the teary face with a rag.

Cait Sith (singing): Do you believe in magic... and I hope you do...

> Hetossed a small bag-full of gil to the shop owner and knelt down
> to the boy .

Cait Sith: Let's hope this warrior isn't Michael Jackson.
Hanpan: Cait...

> "OK, boy, you seem alright now, but you have to keep yourself protected!

Cait Sith: This is starting to sound like a Trojan ad.
Hanpan: Cait...
Cait Sith: Why do you keep saying my name?
Hanpan: Never mind.

> I can tell that was no accidental gash on your fore-head. Now, suppose
> you tell me yor name."

Cait Sith: (Rude) I am Guybrush Threepwood, mighty pirate!

> The livid words rang through his head over and over again.

Hanpan: (Rude) Yeah, I had Stairway to Heaven stuck in my head once too.

> He grasped his still aching head in his hands and crouched on the floor
> again,

Cait Sith: (Sephiroth) The Black Materia! Give me the Black Materia!

> humming to hiself but no t daring to speak. The kind-hearted warrior stood
> over him, as if understanding. Scratching his beard, he murmured, "Orphan > huh? I've seen this before. Listen, kid, I ain't gonna take care of you;
> that's something you're going to have to fix yourself.

Cait Sith: (Warrior) You need to go down to Sears and buy a replacement
carburetor.

> I d on't usually do this for free,

Neko: I d on't, either.

> but maybe you can stick around and be my apprentice. I'll put
> some fight into ya. Call me

Hanpan: ...Ishmael.

> Zangan. Now, what was your name again?"
> The boy just looked up at him, his lip trembling in a little pout.

> "Listen, first you bump into me, and I've got a feeling you were running
> away from someone, not to somewhere, but its still rude.

Neko (Zangan): And just for the purpose of this story, I think I'll name
you Rude!
Cait Sith: Character background we didn't need! Next Oprah!

> THEN, you won't tell me your name after I fixed up that bump on your
> head. I think maybe I'll call you Rude until you've lear ned some
> manners, young man.

Neko (bowing): Thank you, thank you.

> Now how about we get out of this technological heck-hole Shinra
> calls Midgar?"

Cait Sith: No! I can't abandon my ass!
Hanpan: I thought his father killed his ass.
Cait Sith: Oh yeah, that's right.

> Zangan and the silent boy, Rude, left Midgar on Zangan's frilly black
> chocobo.

Cait Sith: ...which couldn't fly, even though the black chocobos in all the
previous FF games did.
Neko: (Zangan) Look here we go, sitting on the Chocobo; I want you
to show me if you can get far.
Cait Sith: Check and turn the reigns to the right!
Hanpan: Check... and turn... the reigns to the right!

> The green hills beyond the horizon called to the warrior/vagabond
> and his companion.

Hanpan: But they were calling collect, so Zangan ignored them.
Cait Sith: (Hills) Hi, there!
Neko: (Hills) What do you two think of my new creek? Isn't it trendy?

> It seemed that no matter how hard Zangan tried, the boy Rude simply
> would not speak.

Cait Sith: He wants to be an RPG hero.
Hanpan: (Crono) .....

> Was he mute? No, that certainly could not be the case; he had heard
> the whimpering in Midgar, the child had a voice. As the years passed,
> Zangan learned to talk to Rude through body language. The slightest
> twitch, a shift of the eyes, or

Hanpan: A swift kick in the rear.

> an understated hand ges ture told the old vagabond all he needed to
> know. Of course, as the years passed,

Neko: Rude got fed up and began to talk.

> Rude learned from the warrior, and it certainly does not require a
> voice to pound road-thieves into quivering beggars.

Hanpan: Thank you for that wonderful insight.
Neko: "Quivering Beggars" sounds like a new flavor of Jello.

> With the sheer power of his fists, Rude learned how

Neko: To eat.

> de fend himself,

Hanpan: I never knew that Rude was a car....
Cait Sith: Or maybe he took the fender the car he owned. But why would he
want to do that?

> but no matter how many highway men

Cait Sith: Oh, I get it. He took fenders off people's cars on the
highway.
Neko: He's a vandal! Let's turn him into the police!

> he had disciplined,

Cait Sith: Bad highway man! BAD highway man! No biscuit!

> that fat, horrid face called to him, and he never spoke.

Hanpan: Rude's a mime!
(Neko starts miming being trapped inside a box)

> He never once said a single word to Zangan or his many students, but
> still moaned and whimpered in his sleep.

Cait Sith: I think he was having a wet--
Hanpan: Cait...

> It hardly seemed th at anything could cure his muteness, but he
> continued to live with Zangan, whom he considered his grandfather.

Cait Sith: Zangan, however, considered him a test subject.
Hanpan: Feeling dark again, Cait?

> By the time Rude reached twenty, Zangan was still as vibrant and energy
> filled as ever, though his gray hair had dominated his bearded face, and
> the wrinkles sank just a bit deeper. The two life-long companions rode
> through the canyon of the Western Conti nent, observing the blood-red sun
> in the shimmering atmosphere.

Cait Sith: It does have a name, you know...
Neko: Uh-oh. I sense a plug coming.

> Zangan seemed very deep in thought, which concerned his adopted
> grandson. Rude gave him a questioning look.

Cait Sith: (Zangan) Why, thank you. It's just what I've always wanted.
Neko: Hey, Cait missed the plug.
Hanpan: We can be thankful for small favors.

> Zangan caught this, and sighed, "There's someone I want you to meet to
> day, Rudey.

Cait Sith: ....
Hanpan: um... Rudey... yeah.

> You're a man now, and I'm not so sure I enjoy the idea of you
> growing old and lonely like me. Yes, there is someone I'd really like you
> to meet.

Cait Sith: He just said that.

> She's a new student of mine , in Nibelheim."

Neko: Hee hee, that rhymes!
Hanpan: Who could it be? I'm in such suspense!

> A girl! Rude had not met many women in his life, being a traveler like his
> grandfather. He liked girls though,

Neko: Don't we all.
Cait Sith: Luna...
Hanpan: Shut up, Cait.

> though he knew none of them would want him. He was dumb to them, an
> idiot boy who could not speak.

Hanpan: So was Tommy, but the acid queen still liked him!

> Certainly, he fantacized, but never realistic ally.

Hanpan: Sound familiar, Cait?
Cait Sith:Luna...
Neko: Rude certainly wouldn't want to have an unrealistic ally.
Hanpan: He lp t h ere's too ma ny sp a ces.

> A girl in Nibelheim. Why would she be any different? What could
> possibly make her see through his rough exterior and dumb silence?

Neko: I have some 3-D glasses she could borrow.
(Neko starts rifling through his bag)

> Without much help, Rude brushed his hand through his deep, black
> hair, and rode on.
>
> Nibelheim was a quiet town. The truck corroded with red rust at the
> entrance. The unkempt tiles in the square had a homey look to them,

Hanpan: Yo! Waz up homey? How's it hangin' on the wes' side? Rude
dawg's in da house!

> like the wooden well right in the center of it. Zangan took Rude
> aside and said,
>
> "Now here we are Rude.

Hanpan: Here we are rude, but over there we're polite.

> You know the routine: look impressive.

Neko (Rude): Hmm, I don't think I'm able to do that.

> I want you to be helping me out alot on this one. She's got alot of
> spirit, I've heard," Zangan said, and winked naughtily at his mute
> grandson. The 'routine' was simple. Rude brushed back his hair,

Hanpan: ..popped a breath mint...
Neko: Didn't he already brush back his hair?
Hanpan: Walking a few yards into a town can be very messy.

> straightened his clothes, and spread out his worn, tattered
> leather mantle

Cait Sith: Wouldn't a leather mantle burn up when you used the fireplace,
though?
Neko: Huh?
Cait Sith: Never mind.

> as Zangan did the same with his cape. The old man strode
> importantly through town up to the door of the double-floor house and
> politely knocked on the door. Rude thought he saw something in the
> window

(Hanpan clasps a hand over Cait Sith's hand mouth to prevent him from
saying anything obscene)

> as someone timidly creaked open the thick wooden door.
>
> A kind-looking middle-aged woman stood there, examining her guests. "My,
> what have we here? A couple of good looking men to help out around the
> house?"

Cait Sith: (Zangan) We are the Men in Black.
Neko: We must neutralize this fanfic before it can cause any more harm.
Just look into the light...

> "Ah, no ma'm. I am known by most as Zangan, and this here is my grandson,
> Rude. You wished us to train you little girl, I take it?"

Neko: (Woman) Get off my lawn, you freak!
Cait Sith: In a few seconds, the middle-aged woman had become a little
girl.
Hanpan: That fountain of youth is really something.

> Her eyes widened as she recognized Zangan's description, and the she
> laughed, "Oh, dear, excuse me! Yes, we're the ones. My little one here,"
> she indicated the teen-age girl sitting at the table," just can't seem to
> stay out of trouble, or out of the moun tains, for that matter. It seems I
> can't keep her from wandering through Mt. Nibel, short of using chains,

Hanpan: All the Tifa fans should like that quote there.
Cait Sith: Snow tires could work too.

> but then I heard of you two. Can you help?"

Hanpan: (Zangan) No, were just here for the free dinner you offered.

> "Why certainly, ma'm. We'll have her slaying dragons in no time."

Cait Sith: (Zangan) But we *don't* take American Express.

> The woman jumped, "What?! Now, now, now wait just a minute! That's
> not...mmph!"
>
> Zangan clasped her mouth shut with his hand, just as he had done fourteen
> years ago. Rude found that that particular technique proved quite useful
> a number of times in communicating a point.

Hanpan: No wonder they call him Rude.
Cait Sith: "Rude's 20 Tips For Better Communication: How To Shut Other
People Up!"

> "Now, you certainly don't expect us to KEEP her from that mountain, do
> you ma'm? I am a martial artist, and that's what I do.

Neko (singing): I'm a martial artist and I'm okay...

> I expand the horizons of youngsters such as this," He nodded at the now
> attentive girl, "I don't restrict horizons. They don't le arn that way.
> Now, you can have your lovely daughter here wander in the mounatins
> without protection, or you can let me teach her to protect herself. Do
> we have a deal?" The woman nodded behind his firm grip, shivering in
> utter surprise, so Zangan took hi s hand off.

Hanpan: ...and threw it in the bushes.

> "Good, now, shall we discuss the price?" They then began, at some
> length, to argue about what was worth his services.
>
> Meanwhile, Rude had managed to slip around the old man to join the girl at
> the table. Smiling, he tapped the edge of the table, and she looked up at
> him. The shock was like nothing he had felt before.

Neko: Except the time when he stuck a fork in the toaster.

> Her smooth brown hair, her cheerful, innocent face, an d beautiful eyes
> took him completely off guard. He almost tripped over himself,

Cait Sith: That would have been a neat trick.
Hanpan: Yeah, I'd like to have seen that one.

> but caught himself clumsily

Cait Sith: Same here.
Hanpan: Rude's quite the acrobat.

> and sat in a chair.

(all applaud and cheer)
Cait Sith: Way to go, Rude! You sit in that chair!
Neko: *INTENSE* *FURNITURE* *ACTION*!
Cait Sith: No doubt involving Rufus.
Neko: Cait...

> "Hello, Rude. I've heard about you. How are you?"

Cait Sith: (Rude) Well, I can't talk, I've contracted malaria, and my left
arm's been amputated, but other than that I'm fine.
Neko: We wish...

> He smiled nervously, still shaken at the sight of her beauty.

Neko: Shaken, not stirred.

> "Oh, that's nice. So I guess you're gonna show me how to fight, huh? I've
> always wanted to be a fighter. I wanna show those boys what I can do."

Hanpan: Don't even start, Cait.

> She giggled and made some punching motions with her hands. Rude quickly
> shook his head and made a sign of peac e.

Cait Sith: (Rude) Like, far out, dude. Like, make love, not war.

> He made punching motions as well, then shook his head again to negate
> them.

Cait Sith: He negated the punching motions with his head? That must
hurt...

> "Yes, I know. No un-needed violence.

Hanpan: Why? BECAUSE STONE COLD LIEBERMAN SAID SO!

> By the way, my name's Tifa. I hope we have fun together."

(Cait Sith opens his mouth. Hanpan quickly clamps a hand over it)

> And her smile made Rude smile, too.

Hanpan: How sweet....
Neko: (Barney) We're are all a happy family! You're all
super-dee-duper!

> The next few months were some of the happiest of Rude's life. Tifa's
> mother agreed to let him sleep in the house,

(Hanpan keeps his hand over Cait's mouth)

> but Zangan, who bathed a bit less regularly, slept in the inn across the
> plaza. Together, they took Tifa into the mounatins, teaching her sco uting > techniques,

Neko: Algebra, English lit, French....

> survival rules,

Hanpan: Like how to get sliced and fall down a flight of stairs yet make a
full recovery?
Cait Sith: How to suffer meteor strikes and machine gun fire in battle
but be killed by a single sword stab for storyline purposes?
Neko: No, that's Aerith.
Cait Sith: Whoops, my bad.

> and most importantly, how to fight. Soon, a fair pile of over-used
> fight-dummies gathered near the side of Tifa's house, signs of rigorous
> training and determination.

Neko: Little did Tifa know they were all plotting revenge.
Cait Sith: Mokujin IS Mokujin in... WHEN TRAINING DUMMIES ATTACK!

> As time wore on, Tifa explored more and more
> of Mount Nibel, mapping in her mind the short-cuts and caves,

Cait Sith: What? No automap feature?

> and not a single monster challenged her after the first few she easily
> pummelled.

Cait Sith: I don't think a single monster challenges *anybody* in FF7.
Hanpan: Except you, Cait.
Cait Sith: Shut up.

> Rude monitered her progress

Cait Sith: (Rude) She's turning the corner... now she's heading towards
the bridge... I repeat, she's heading towards the bridge.

> with a kind of modest satisfaction, but was also restless as he
> fought with his emotions.
>
> As he stayed with her and her family, he wanted desperately to say
> something, to tell her how he fell.
Cait Sith: By stepping on something slippery and dropping face-first to
the ground. At least that's how I fell.
Neko: Yep. How you fell is something EVERY girl should know.

> But whenever he opened his mouth, that face stood in his path, blocking
> his way, yelling and screaming at him, threatening to tear his sanity to
> shreds.

Neko: (Face) SUUUUUUUURGGGE!!!

> The years had not wiped away the past, only strengthened them. He was a
> slave to the face.

Cait Sith: Hey, wouldn't that make an awesome name for a song?
Neko: I am a slaaaaaave to the faaaacccceeee....

> One morning in late winter, Rude lazily got dressed for a relaxing day.
> This was one of Tifa's scheduled off-days, but sometimes the two would

(Cait Sith opens his mouth)
Hanpan: No, Cait. Don't even start.
Cait Sith: Aw, Hanpan...

> explore the mountains some more, discovering its many secrets. As he
> turned in the upstairs hallway to knock on Tifa's door,

Neko (singing): Just knock on wood...

> he was startled to see her up already, standing in the doorway. About to
> give her his customary greeting smile,

Hanpan: What would he do if he was talking on the phone?

> he hadn't noticed that she wore her favorite leather fighting-glove,
> and was preparing to strike.

Cait Sith: (Tifa) I want better wages! And more stock options!

> The blow came like a snake bite as she jabbed him in the shoulder, right
> in one of the pressure points Rude and Zangan had informed her about.

(Neko pulls a first-aid book out of his bag)
Neko: In case of snake bite... let the victim rest in a comfortable
position. Apply a pad or sterile dressing to the wound and
immobilize the limb. Bandage the wound firmly. Summon medical
help.
Cait Sith: You thought Knights of the Round was strong... now witness
the power of Summon Medical Help!
Hanpan: Dude, don't start MSTing our own jokes. Why? BECAUSE HANPAN
SAID SO!

> The burning pain shot up Rude's arm and straight up his neck, seeming to
> eat-away at the insides of his vulnerab le shoulder.

Cait Sith: Mmm mmm good!
Hanpan: Le shoulder? Is this French?
Neko: Le shoulder c'est attached to le arm, monsieur.

> It was too much.

Hanpan: At last the truth is out.
Cait Sith: Okay, can we go now? (gets up)
Domino (over PA system): No. Sit back down.

> Rude's scream could have broken a window, had there been one near.

Cait Sith: That wins my award for most pointless metaphor of the year.
Neko: He should sing opera. They could punch him in the arm for
high notes.

> Shuddering, he grabbed hold of his arm and turned against the wall,
> whimpering like a child. It was a very good hit. He flashed her an angry
> look of betrayal and hurt, but she just smiled triumphantly.

Neko: She just learned a new Limit Break.
Cait Sith: (Tifa) Try new Chocodent! Recommended by four out of five
doctors!

> "So, you CAN talk. I knew you could; you hum in your sleep. You decieved
> me!"

Cait Sith: And now, the question on everyone's mind: what was he humming?
Neko: Yeah! The public has a right to know!
Hanpan: Let's call in Kenneth Starr!

> Rude shook his head desperately, wanting to explain, but that face....
>
> "I can't BELIEVE that I fell for it all these months.

Cait Sith: (Rude) You gotta do what?
Neko: (Tifa) I gotta believe!

> And to think I TRUSTED you. How could you?" Tear were brimming in her
> eyes, the smile was gone now.

Cait Sith: Chocodent cancelled her contract.

> "I don't ever want to talk; no, LOOK at you again!

Neko: I can't blame her.

> You won't even talk anymore. You want to deceive m e more."
> Rude opened his mouth to talk. <>

Cait Sith: ...and a fly buzzed inside.
Neko: (singing) There was an old Turk who swallowed a fly...
Hanpan: Is that symbol supposed to be Rude's mouth?
Neko: Oh my! <>

> "C'mon, talk. Explain before I tell my father."
>
> Tears welled up in Rude's gap-mouthed face. <>

Neko: Open wide.
Cait Sith: All right, doctor. <>

> "That's it. Don't think you can get away with this, or Zangan either. I
> don't know why you pretended, but you're not my friend anymore!"

Neko (Rude): So I guess dinner is off?

> <> Rude collapsed in fear, wanting more than ever to say something, to
> explain, but he couldn't.

Cait Sith: He had no mouth.
Hanpan: Maybe he should go to the Granstream Saga world. Nobody there has
a mouth or any other facial features either.
Neko: <>

> "Goodbye, Rude." Tifa turned around and ran down the stairs.

Cait Sith: ...only to trip, fall on her head, and suffer a severe
concussion that left her brain-dead. The end.
Hanpan: Feeling a little dark there, Cait?

> In Rude's mind, the face was laughing at him triumphantly. It had won the
> battle.

Cait Sith: The battle was won by... THE FACE. Round two... fight!
Neko: Time: 5400
Life: 8022
Bonus: 3033
--------------
Total: 16455

> Rude stared at Tifa running away, anger suddenly consuming his
> quivering body. He was a fighter! The fat, putrid face had dominated a
> fighter! Never again would he lose a fi ght

Cait Sith: Fee fi fo fi ght, I smell the blood of a typo

> to the disgusting apparition before him. He had fought and killed many in
> his travels, and nothing more was going to stand in his way. The face, the
> one that haunted him from his youth was now a face of fear and
> patheticness. Rude's anger and hatred r aging within him, he screamed,

Neko: Eulaliaaaaaaa!!!!!!

> "TIFAAA!"

Hanpan: STELLAA!

> ~~~~~~~~~

Hanpan: Waves?
Neko: A heart rate monitor?
Cait Sith: A slug funeral procession?

> That night, Rude stayed in the Inn with Zangan. Zangan's face showed
> nothing except for a slight sadness. The two had eaten in silence. Not
> looking up from his dinner, Zangan finally spoke,

Cait Sith: (Zangan) How 'bout them Mainers?

> "You going to leave, now, aren't you? I can't keep you here, not after
> this."

Cait Sith: (Zangan) You rolled the toilet paper over the top. I can't
forgive that.

> "Yes."
>
> "Where are you going?"

Cait Sith: (Rude) I'm going to Disneyland!

> "Midgar."
>
> "I see you're packed." Zangan nodded his head toward the leather bag
> slumped in the doorway. "You don't have to go, you know. Tifa
> understands..."

Hanpan: Not from what I've read so far...

> "No. I can't stay." Rude had gotten up and walked towards his bags
> expressionless. Like his face, his emotions were dormant, and his mind was
> asleep.

Neko: As always.

> Crouching, he picked up his bags, and left.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~

Cait Sith: That's one long funeral procession...

> Rude reached Midgar. It seemed odd, coming here, almost as if it were
> destined.

Cait Sith: Rude... boy of destiny!

> Truly, no one in their right mind would come to such a desolate
> place by choice.

Hanpan: Rude's gone insane?
Cait Sith (singing): They're coming to take me away, ha ha!

> However, Rude had to escape; there was nothing left, and he had to
> make every possible attempt never to see Tifa again. He knew what he
> felt almost as if he were reading it from a book.

Cait Sith: And, by golly, he *was* reading it from a fanfic!

> He was angry, surely, that his grandfather had not told the truth. He
> has deeply depressed, as well.

Hanpan: Time to break out the Prozac.
Neko: I've got some in my bag...

> He knew Tifa had been the closest he had come to loving someon e.
> Hell, forget 'closest', he DID love her. And yet, now he could never see
> her again.

Cait Sith: ...because a bird dropping had just landed in his eye and
permanently robbed him of sight. Seconds later, he stumbled onto
a train track and was run over.
Neko: Nice wishful thinking there, Cait.

> He had traveled, not because of love, but because of neccessity, to
> Midgar.

Hanpan: It was.........his destiny.
Neko: I hope he brought his travellers' checks...

> While he did have a fair sum of money,

Neko: From fighting innocent monsters.

> he knew his 'vagabond' attire would not be accepted i n the flashy,
> expensive zones of the upper plate.

Cait Sith: Yeah, he's gotta represent.
Neko: (Dullard) I'm not a bum! I'm just drethed like one!

> Curiously, he wondered whether the slums would supply
> clothing better than his own. Setting his chocobo free with yet another
> pang of loss, Rude strode into Midgar, his home-town.

Hanpan: Was it really necessary to repeat that?
Neko: And immediately left because of the face. The end.

> Once inside the dirty, depressing slums, Rude set about changing his
> identity.

(Cait Sith stands up)
Cait Sith: I respectfully disagree.
(Neko and Hanpan stare at him)
Cait Sith: The slums are a happy place. It is an alternative lifestyle
and we must accept diversity. Thank you.
(Cait Sith sits back down)

> No one could recognize him, and he knew that Zangan and he had
> made a name for themselves in their travels. "Zangan the Magnificient and
> Rude the Mute,"

Cait Sith: Appearingly only at Barnum & Bailey!

> other had called them, and indeed, it was good advertising.

Cait Sith: I'll watch for them on the next Super Bowl.

> Unfortunately, now most everyone would know him by description.
> Leaning against one of the metal-sheet piles of Sector 5, he wondered
> what the cheapest disguise one could afford in the slums would be.
> Then it came to him.

Hanpan: He could go totally naked!
Neko: Streaking Turks and the Girlfriends Who Dumped Them... next
Geraldo!
Cait Sith: How about not having one? Then everybody would think he was
somebody else, disguised as Rude. Reverse psychology, you see.
Hanpan: You're weird, Cait.

> While, to Rude, it was customary to fight with his fists, he did make it a
> habit to carry a dagger or two where ever he went. Bending down, he slid
> the shiny blade from the strap on his ankle, and proceeded to shave.

Cait Sith: ...his nose hairs.
Neko: Hey, you know what would be cool? He should get nose hair
dreadlocks.
Hanpan: O--kaaay....

> Two hours and several cuts later, Rude found a broken shard of mirror
> hidden in a junk-pile.

Neko: Hmm. It's like King's Quest.
Cait Sith: Use... Weedeater... on... Rabid Hamster.
Hanpan: You don't see a Rabid Hamster here.

> Putting his knife away, he held the dusty glass in front of him, and saw
> another person.

Cait Sith: It was... Yuffie!
All: AAAAAAAHHHH!!

> Surely, the various scabs from his impromptu makeover would heal, but now
> he had a brand-new shiny-bald head.

Hanpan: New and improved! No money down!
Cait Sith: ...having lost the old head in a tragic accident at a lumber
mill.
Neko: Rude is... the Headless Turk in... The Headless Turk! Coming soon to
a theater near you!

> N ow, no one would recognize him, and he had to admit that the new look
> certainly fit him. Posing in his dirty-leather out-fit in front of the
> mirror, he prepared to enter the city.

Neko: Isn't he already IN the city?

> ~~~~~~~~~~

Cait Sith: Alas, poor Sluggo... I knew him well.

> "Agent #1 of the Shinra Manufacturing Department of Administrative
> Research, Rude."

Cait Sith: If Rude's the new guy, how come he's Agent #1?

> "Your mission:

Hanpan: ...should you decide to accept it....

> There is an informant in the region of the Sector 6 slums.
> This informant has become bothersome, and has taken advantage of the
> wealth of Shinra.

Neko: It's that Palmer and the buffet case again...

> Deal with him as you see fit.

Cait Sith: I'll give you two of these blue marbles for that shiny red
one of yours.
Neko: Hey, anybody remember Pogs? Talk about a short-lived phenomenom...

> "Agent #2 of the Shinra Manufacturing Department of Administrative
> Research, Tseng."
>
> "Your mission: Notify the one called Don Corneo that he now the
> informant's replacement in Shinra Intelligence in the Sector 6 region.
> Force him to swear total alleigance, and pay him as you see fit for his
> services."
>
> "Agent #3 of the Shinra Manufacturing Department of Administrative
> Research, Vincent."

Neko: Find out why Lucrecia has such a small part in FF7.
Hanpan: Wasn't Vincent frozen in the Shinra Mansion for 30 years? So if
this is 30 years ago, how come Tifa is even alive, let alone
training in martial arts?
Neko: You have now entered... the Twilight Zone.

> "Accompany Hojo and Professor Gast of the Chemistry Division to Nibelheim
> and assist in their effort to calm the situation there. Allow no
> information of the occurences there to be let out to the public, even if
> it means taking no hostages."

Neko: Which it will.
Cait Sith: Just leave everyone alone... take no hostages.

> The lounge room of the Turks was simple, with the coffee machine, the
> television set,

Neko: ...the barbecue grill...

> and doors to the offices of each agent. The only two things that may
> have set it apart from the other floors of the Shinra building were the

Hanpan: ...the ceiling and the floor, obviously. Simpleton.

> target-practice/battle-train ing room in the back,

Cait Sith: First there were cavalry... then there were tanks. Now there
are.... battle-trains!
Hanpan: They don't have a ceiling or floor?

> and the weapons arsenal on the east side. The one window bathed the room
> in a kind of unreal gray light as the over-cast polluted sky kept its gift
> of sunlight from the group of murderers.

Cait Sith: It kept the gift? That's not very nice.
Neko: Maybe it has one of those "Do Not Open Until Christmas" tags.

> "Crap," cursed Tseng, who was quite effectively shooting the stuffing out
> of a mis-used punching-bag with his 44 double-barrel rifle. "You two get
> to go kick some ass,

Cait Sith: Speaking of which, what ever happened to Rude's ass? Did his
father kill it?

> while I'm stuck informing that perverted fag that
> he's gonna be the 'brains' of Shinra. "

Cait Sith: (Tseng's Mom) You wash your mouth out with soap right now,
young man!
Neko: (Don Corneo) Actually, I'd rather be the 'left elbow' of Shinra.
Cait Sith: Knowing Corneo, I can think of some things he'd rather be than
the 'brains' of Shinra.
Hanpan: Cait...

> "Calm down, Tseng. Its our orders and we have to follow them." Vincent was
> examing the arsenal, already choosing the best weapon to use.

Cait Sith: A Binney & Smith & Weston .45 mauve.
Neko: An ion peashooter.
Hanpan: A Barry Manilow tape.

> "Argue too much, and you become dispensible."

Cait Sith: Scud -- the disposable assassin!
Neko: Man, that game really sucked.

> "Is that a threat?"
>
> "Hush, Tseng! Let's go."

Cait Sith: (Mario) Let's a-go!

> Rude hadn't spoken much since he joined the Turks; only when he had
> something to say.
>
> Discarding their activities, the Turks rushed out of the darkening gray
> room, weapons in hand. Rude, of course, had only his fists as weapons,

Neko: Attack power 17. Double damage against dogs.

> but they would suffice to quiet this disruptive 'informant' to the Shinra.
> Before entering the elevators, though , he checked his relection in the
> mirror.

Cait Sith: Re-elect Rude in the mirror! Building a better tomorrow,
today!

> His head freshly bald again, he could see his own relection in his
> forehead, the dark shades enhancing the aura of dangerousness.

Cait Sith: He's psychic! He knows he's going to be re-elected!
Neko: What exactly is he running for, anyway?

> His ironed blue suit and polished shoes gave him every appearence of the
> serious bu sinessman, and yet he as so, so much more.

Cait Sith: That last sentence sounded a little funny.

> The Wall-Market quickly became empty as Rude strode through the
> dirt-street and imperially-lighted stands and shops.

Cait Sith: Man, that B.O. is a killer.
Neko: And Zangan was the one who bathed LESS frequently...

> Leaving out the front gate of the market, he sensed an almost audible
> hush of relief from the townspeople inside. Why did it feel so good to be
> so feared?

Cait Sith: (Rude) I had a good feeling!
Neko: So, this job's a success! This's the way!
Hanpan: (Daravon) Ability is a skill you learn with Job training.

> Finally, he reached a secluded little shack near the Sector 7 gate.
> Looking at his photo of the informant's home, he recognized the
> similarity, but the shack in reality seemed much more ragged than in
> the photo.

Cait Sith: ...and he received this photo when?
Neko: It's the Unabomber's shack!

> "Damn, must be an old picture."

Cait Sith: No, the picture's current, the shack is outdated. It hasn't
kept up with the rest of the space-time continuum.
Hanpan: Huh?
Neko: Hey, Hanpan, you think we should throw Cait out for impersonating
an MSTer?
Hanpan: Nah... we're almost at the end, why bother?

> Still there was something hauntingly familiar about this hideous little
> hovel.

Neko: Hey, it's where they filmed Air Bud!

> As Rude stepped near, he reeled in disgust as the strong stench of
> alcohal and God knew what else was in there. Holding his suited arm over
> his nose, he braced himself, and ent ered.

Cait Sith: ENT ER THE TEKKEN!
Hanpan: I see Rude is maintaining proper orthodontic care.
Neko: (Doctor) And just for fun, Mr. Rude, we're going to see if we can
cram this tennis ball in here too.

> Inside, fleas and maggots

Neko: And cockroaches, oh my!

> crawled all about the walls and floor. Broken bottle, seringes, and large
> piles of unused cocaine

Cait Sith: ...which Rude promptly pocketed...

> littered the corners of the disgusting eye-sore.

Neko (salesman): And it's all yours for just 7339 gil!
Hanpan: One thing I do like about this fanfic are the magnificent
descriptions.
Neko: They're vivid.
Cait Sith: Don't ever say "vivid" again, Neko.

> There were only two pieces of furniture; the maggot-ridden cloth-cot
> suspended in the corner, and the broken plaid couch with all of its
> springs out laid right in the center. In the couch lay a fat man,
> wrinkled to the point of looking like his surroundings.

Cait Sith: Damn... those cloaking devices are really something...

> He wore an oversteched and torn wife-beater undershirt,

Cait Sith: The undershirt is a wife-beater?
Neko: Man, you can't even trust your clothing these days...

> and his face was full of greasy, gray, facial hair. There were growths
> of something elsewhere on his body that Rude suspected was not hair
> at all.

Cait Sith: He was growing a third eye.
Neko: That's just weird, Cait.

> Almost overcome with animalistic revulsion,

Neko: He's revulsed by animals?
Cait Sith: No wonder he kept throwing all those grenades at me...

> Rude peered at the face behind the hair, gawking stupidly back at him.

Hanpan: (Man) You here for the auditions of Air Bud?

> That face. The very same whore-happy, maddening, cruel face. That
> demonistic face that had haunted him since childhood.
> "What the F... mmph! MM! Mph! Arrrghghgmmphh!"

Cait Sith: He's turned into Kenny all of a sudden.
Neko: Arghggmghghmhmph!

> Rude easily grasped the alcohal-staind lips of the fat man, but there
> was something different about this particular hold.

Neko: Half Nelson!
Hanpan: STONE COLD STUNNER!
Cait Sith: Uh-oh, now you've got Hanpan stared on his Stone Cold routine
again...
Hanpan: Am I going to have to open up a can of whoop-ass?

> Rude wasn't trying to keep the bastard quiet. His other hand was holding
> the fat man's nose, as well.
>
> Eyes wide with terror, the fat man could do nothing under Rude's
> unbreakable grasp upon his face. His arms flailed wildly as his face
> turned colors.

Neko: Red, green, blue! Collect them all!
Hanpan:Yellow moons, green clovers, purple horseshoes...

> A cruel, victorious smile crept over Rude's face.

Neko: (Soup Nazi) Adios muchacho!

> "Good bye, Daddy."

Cait Sith: Goodnight, moon.
Hanpan: Good bye, fanfic.
Neko: Thank goodness that's over.
Hanpan: Well, aside from all the innuendos and gratuitous insensitivity
to psychological problems, that wasn't so bad...



(Door 6: Hanpan walks through a random sequence of doors to
get past another De Le Metalica puzzle)

(Door 5: The Mythril has been replaced with Mithril. You
find an alternate route)

(Door 4: Another nifty FMV plays of Cait Sith walking out the
door)

(Door 3: The reinforcemets have arrived! Their AI hasn't,
though, so you just walk right by the phantoms)

(Door 2: You find another hole in the plot to walk through)

(Door 1: The door is still stone. You walk through)

[Malduke]
CAIT SITH: Well, we survived another fanfic.
HANPAN: That one wasn't all that bad, really.
CAIT SITH: I feel a song coming on.
NEKO: Stand back...
CAIT SITH: I am a slave to the faaaaaaace
A disgrace to the human raaaaace
I'm stuck in a crappy fanfiiiicc
And I think I'm gonna be siiiiccck!
(long silence. Hanpan and Neko exchange glances)
HANPAN: You know, sometimes I get wondering why we quit the
music business, but then I remember why.
CAIT SITH: Yeah, they ripped off all our songs.
HANPAN: Well, that wasn't the reason I had in mind...
(Neko turns on the radio)
RADIO: And next up... the Really Useless Characters with
their hit song, "Serf to the Face".
MALAK: I am a serf to the faaaaaaaace
A disgrace to every raaaaace
I'm stuck in a lousy fanfiiiiic
And I believe I'm gonna be siiiiccck!
(wild applause)
CAIT SITH: Turn that crud off.
(Neko turns off the radio)
CAIT SITH: Thank you.

[Ka Dingel]
DOMINO: Curses... foiled again.
HART: They used PaRappa references... they must pay. Can we
send them an extra bad one next time?
DOMINO: How about the FF Tactics tutorial? That's pretty bad.
HART: And they used the same old references too. That car thing's
older than Strom Thurmond.
DOMINO: Push the button, Hart.

\ | /
\ | /
---O---
/ | \
/ | \



-------------------------------------------------------------

That's it for today! Good job, Cait, you can go onto to the
next stage now. This is our first MSTing, so there was probably
a whole lot we could improve. E-mail us with any suggestions.
Keep circulating the fics!

> He was controlled, and yet free, and yet captive in front of the men
> tal image of that face.